Never in my life have I felt so entitled to drink and contemplate my pitiful existence.
I have been told to sit down and do some self-reflection… and it’s tough. I can’t even answer my own questions and they drive me up the fucking wall. But, these last 48 hours have been enlightening. I have realised that my life is a fucking wreck. These four walls have been my saviour, but like all things around me, I have let them consume me. I have built an empire with thoughts. Meaningless and quite frankly, dangerous.
Someone once asked me what I want to do with my life. Where I want to be in 5 years’ time. I seemed to have it all figured out at the time. I gave an answer, concise, direct and informed. If you had to ask me that question now, I’d probably tell you to get fucked and grab another beer.
I have spent months, soul searching. Sure, I might have been looking in the wrong places. Bars, clubs, dingy back alleys and the holes in my mind. I thought I had found myself, but actually, I have lost myself. Lost the way, lost the plot. In a way you can say it’s what I needed. I did need it.
The city has been my friend. She loved me, listened to me and gave me what I needed to get by. She has a soul, she has feelings, I can sense it. Unfortunately, the city can only be your only friend for so long. I have people, some care, some use me. I actually let people use me, even if it is just too gain there fake affection.
Being alone doesn’t help all that much. The nightmares keep me company. I say nightmares, but there is only one. The same one, every night. What if I was better, what if I was more like the rest? Where would I be…? With who? Do you see me bleeding on this – paper.
There is something wrong with this world. We live in a society where too many people walk around with happy faces but broken eyes… I am first to admit that I am one of them… and then I remember –
One only sees the soul through words.
The Things I think 